Happy Birthday to ME!

yes, it's my birthday. i'm 44. it's a non-event this year. i was sick, until ... well, today was the first day i woke up and didn't think about being sick before i thought of anything else. so i didn't really organize much. adam got a few coworkers, ex- of mine but who are still friends, to join us tomorrow night for dinner. i called the place i wanted to go to make a reservation and they have a rehearsal dinner scheduled for the whole night so it's not available. i decided we will go to "max brenner, chocolate by the bald man" which is a place i've wanted to go since i saw them getting ready to open last year. i like chocolate, it's my birthday, we're going there. the only one of my non-work friends who can come is audrey, but i'm glad she will be there. and i like the coworkers adam corralled into coming quite a bit.

today i am going to do a couple errands, go to a meeting, and go to a knitting group at a yarn store in montclair. i need to let them get to know me, so although it's scary to go to a social thing like that without knowing anybody, i'm going to take the plunge. adam is in chicago and hopes to be home before midnight, but i'm not going to sit around home this evening because he might be home early. he also might be home late - if his travel history is anything to judge by...

i bought myself an orchid:



(that picture is from the website where i bought it.) it's the same one i bought for my mom for mother's day. she reports that it actually does smell like chocolate when the blooms open. it arrived this morning and there are little buds all over one stalk, almost ready to open. hooray!

Yarn Pirate

I found a new yarn vendor of whom I want to sing the praises: Yarn Pirate. I bought this:



Aint she pretty?

I found her through links on http://www.oneplanetyarnandfiber.com/, a cool site devoted to smallish yarnists. And I love anybody who's a pirate, even though the jolly roger is OVAH (too bad, too; it was fun). I like people who dye their small lots of yarn. Although, she has a yarn o' the month club (called Booty Club, heh) which is full up, so maybe her lots of yarn aint that small, at that. Anyway, she's no Rowan Yarns yet. I like to support the small.

I believe I will use this yarn in a purse, or handbag for those of you who, like me, dislike the word "purse" (it makes me think of pursed lips, reminds me of Church Ladies).

Today I had a better interview

Consequently, I feel more optimistic about my future. Slightly. I do still feel like I am on the wrong track, somewhat, because I don't really want to keep doing this forever, but I don't feel as demoralized as I would have if the interview today had sucked. I actually felt like they liked me and were impressed with my techishness, and even that they might hire me. They asked me when I could start. I called the agency who sent me over there, and they asked me to send them a thank you note that they could forward to the company, so when I got home I did this. We shall see.

* * * * *
Thank God for today's interview, because I was pretty down about career stuff last night. I had an uncomfortable but honest conversation with Adam where I asked him, "You don't think I'm a very good developer, do you?" and he replied that he didn't. He said, "You struggle with basic problems." It's true, too. It was depressing. I would like for him to think more highly of my professional skills than that. I appreciated the honesty, certainly, but it was painful to hear it. He then said, "You don't even want to do this, though. Why do you care if I think you aren't very good at it?" I told him, "I feel like you are saying I am not smart. I know you aren't saying that, but I still feel like it." I also said it depresses me to be doing something that I'm not very good at, as my career. I'm a smart person and extremely capable in many arenas, and to wind up in a career in which I am basically mediocre is galling.

On the mend

I went to the doctor yesterday because I couldn't take it anymore, and he wrote me a prescription for antibiotics that started making me feel better within two hours of my taking the first dose. Evidence that it was a bacterial infection, not a viral one. I felt better enough by last night that I was on Monster.com looking for a job again.

So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

* * * * *
The job search SUCKS though. I had a couple interviews last week that looked good, one of them a second interview with the company. I thought I did okay with one of them (not GREAT but okay) but fine with the other; however, they both reported to the agency that sent me over there that I was a little light technically for the jobs I was interviewing for, and opted not to hire me. The more this happens, the more I dread future interviews. I don't like what I do and I don't want to dig deep to get more technically solid. So I go into these interviews and I'm fine until they say, I just have a couple basic tech questions I'm going to ask you, and that's when I know it's over. It's just a formality, going through the motions of them flapping their lips (asking questions) and me flapping mine back (spewing nonsense that I hope sounds like I know more than I really do).

What am I going to do?

I am at a perfect dis-ease in my chosen field. I don't care anymore about cutting edge technologies. I don't remember terms for things and I get a sort of selective aphasia in the interviews for them. It sucks.

happy birthday to angela

my swell sister-in-law. she rocks.

more car sadness

adam took the car into the dealership today and found out that it is badly enough damaged that we had to make a claim with the insurance company. god DAMN it. this SUCKS. it turns out that i cracked the support for the radiator assembly, or something like that, and that will be $800 alone to fix, let alone replacing the hood and the plastic thingys that i broke off. i can't believe the damage was so bad, given that it was such a tiny accident. i scraped the car along the side of a pylon, that's all i did, and it did this much fracking damage? sad sad sad sad sad.

adam is THE BEST EVER! he took the car up to the dealership for me because i am sick. he is the winner! how i love that D&D playing dude!

i'm in bed all day (except for a few computer minutes, here, evidently) with this heavy chest cold. my throat and lungs and head all hurt and i am coughing only when necessary because it's painful. i hope to be better enough to go to my brother's tomorrow for the 4th of july. but it doesn't look good right now.

a little hiatus

why, when i am busy, can i find the time to blog, but when i am unemployed, can i not? is it that i don't wish to be introspective when i have no job because i fear i have no purpose?

i've been on several job interviews lately and they are depressing things. people are not deceived about my expertise. i am not really a senior developer. i am more senior than junior, but i have gaps in my knowledge and i am mentally lazy and do not want to investigate deeper or learn any more about my subject. plus, today at least i am sick and it reduces the amount i give a shit, and probably friday as well, when i was starting to come down with this, that was the case also.

i have a monster cold sore on my upper lip, not actually on the lip like usual but instead higher up so it looks like half a mustache. hooray! good look for me.

and finally, today, because i was talking on the phone when i was driving, i scraped the front of the car against a pylon in the garage when i was pulling out, and i pulled the front left plastic protective thingy off the wheel well. i burst into tears and cried hard over this, because my lovely perfect little car is now crapified. it was perfect and i ruined it! i was so, SO upset. i tried to take the car up to the place i bought it to have it fixed but i couldn't find my way up there. i thought i knew how to go but just drove and drove until i found myself in wayne, nj, whereupon i just fucking turned around and went back home. it was getting on toward 5pm and it was already pretty trafficky and it was only going to get worse at rush hour. i figured i'd head up there first thing tomorrow instead.

i came home and went to bed, and slept for a good 2 hours, and although i don't feel any better now, uh, ... not sure how to wrap that up into a nice optimistic statement. life is kind of crappy today and not looking like it will be better soon. although, adam will be home soon i hope, and that will help things a lot.